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  • Writer's pictureAlexis McLaughlin

Jeffrey Epstein Can't Find Anyone to Sit With in Hell's Cafeteria

A year and a half into his eternal damnation, convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein is still struggling to fit in with his peers, none of whom will allow him to join their tables in the Ninth Circle cafeteria.

"Ever since I got here, I've been getting the third degree," lamented Epstein as he pulled a note off his back that said "Traffic Me!" Expressing his surprise that sexual crimes against children are largely met with derision even in Hell, Epstein acknowledged his status as "a total loser here" with a sigh.

Roving the cafeteria nervously, Epstein offered a desperate smile to scores of ruthless imperialists, serial murderers, and opioid manufacturers, all of whom either turned him away with jeers or ignored his gaze completely. The downcast former billionaire then took his tray to the men's restroom as usual.

"I know what they're thinking: 'once a sexual abuser who preys on young girls, always a sexual abuser who preys on young girls,'" said Epstein, hunched over his Salisbury steak in the fetid stall. "I'm never gonna get the chance to reinvent myself!"

Eyes watering with shame, Epstein recalled an encounter from his earliest days in the underworld, in which Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Benito Mussolini strung him up by a noose to a beam in the dining hall.

"They kept asking the same question: 'how do you like hanging with us, Epstein?' The whole cafeteria was in an uproar. A few of them even made some jokes about how I must've off'ed myself when no one was looking. And I've been the biggest dork in Hell ever since."

Throwing his milk carton to the ground, Epstein bemoaned the fact that his only chance at a social life lies with other "uncools" like fellow child abusers John Wayne Gacy and Albert Fish.

"And John's a clown and the other guy eats people like a fucking weirdo. I just want normal friends!"

At press time, Epstein was antsy for Jerry Sandusky to arrive since they could at least talk football while living in eternal exile.

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