In a not entirely stunning admission, white people from across the southern United States announced today that all pleasantries exchanged with non-white and non-Southern citizens are a deliberate attempt to distract from their neverending racism.
The whites took to CNN to address the public on what they call "a little somethin' we do to smooth the waters." Noting that their "preferences" toward lynching, black voter suppression, racially motivated crimes, continued celebration of the Confederate flag, and widespread support of immigrant detainment "don't go down so easy" up north, folksy niceties seemed the easiest way to erase all memory of their region as an eternally regressive shithole.
"There's a little bit of the devil in it," giggled LeAnna Cosgrove, speaking on behalf of Alabama. "But my, has it worked!"
Lyle Gifford of Louisiana expressed similar amazement that the unofficial, widespread, tacitly agreed to campaign has been even remotely successful.
"Exceptin' the slavery," Gifford explained, "We been doing same as we always have, more or less. But throw some colloquialism in there about your grandpappy or a catfish, and it’s like it never happened at all."
Added Wendell Holmes, a Lyft driver from Jackson, MS: "It's proven mighty good at distracting folks from my statements regarding the...black couple…that opened the barbecue down the road from me."
"Tell them you can sense that they got a 'discriminating palate' and that you won't send ‘em to the fake joints, and you can basically get anything by 'em,” Holmes continued. “I once blatantly stated my discomfort towards black folks was 'just a cultural thing,' and the white fella I was driving just nodded and talked about their similar anxiety when meeting new people. Even said I was a good guy. Truly astonishing."
When asked by a reporter whether they had plans to address their deep seated and largely unchallenged prejudices, all state representatives called for an end to the conference on the grounds of "being more parched then a junebug under ten mean suns."
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