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  • Writer's pictureAlexis McLaughlin

Straight-Passing Lesbian Lucked Out By Managing To Exclusively Date Women With Guy Names

Smirking with satisfaction, lipstick lesbian Madeline Sweet is marveling at her incredible luck for managing to only date women with traditionally men's names.

“Somehow, some way, I’ve spent the last five years rooting out every queer woman with a guy’s name in my vicinity,” Sweet says of the miraculous phenomenon. Likening herself to “a closeted truffle pig,” the 23-year-old South Carolina native has eluded any suspicion about her sexuality from within her virulently homophobic community, the members of which remain “completely duped” by the parade of Sweet’s butchly-named lovers.

“Oh, gosh, I don’t even think I can name them all,” Sweet says while counting on her fingers. “But off the top: Frankie, Dannie, Bill--short for Cybill--and there was a Scar in there, too! Short for Scarlett! I can’t oversell how convenient this has been for me.”

Incredibly, Sweet explains, none of her immediate family have shown particular skepticism toward the paper-thin excuses she routinely provides to avoid introducing, or even showing pictures, of any of her boifriends.

“One time, I pinned it on the ‘guy’ having real bad social anxiety. And at least twice, I told them I was doing a long-distance thing. Never thought any of that was weird,” she recalls of her parents’ responses incredulously. “And when I started getting flustered after Mamma wanted to see what one of them looked like, I pulled a Hail Mary and told her I ‘didn’t want to jinx anything with him’--and she bought that. I don’t know how on Earth that’s possible.”

Looking toward the sunset, Sweet reflects on her unlikely journey--and rare fortune--with a smile: “Oh, and there was also a Glenn! She worked at the Starbucks by my house. My God, who even names guys Glenn anymore? Total stud. Wrecked me for, like, three months. Whew. That was a good save.”

At press time, Sweet was heard saying “get the fuck out” upon coming across the OKCupid profile of a woman named Bubba.

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