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  • Writer's pictureAlexis McLaughlin

Jesus Kind of Bummed That His Rebirthday Sucked Two Years in a Row

Swirling mashed potatoes dejectedly around His plate with a fork, Jesus Christ expressed His disappointment that for two years in a row, the day of His rebirth has been totally buzzkilled by the ongoing COVID pandemic. Our Savior explained that while the canceling of His rebirthday plans in 2020 "really bummed Me out," He consoled Himself with plans to throw a "balls-to-the-wall rager" for Easter 2021. "It's like, I really took it on the chin last year. I was super pissed at the time, but then got so pumped at the idea of going fucking hard this year to make up for it. No way I foresaw mankind forsaking Me by utterly failing to get their shit together a full calendar year later." Scoffing at how seriously lame His Easter has been, Jesus poured Himself another glass of His Blood before lamenting ever emerging from His tomb "just to hang out with my mom and stepdad. Whoooo, best Resurrection ever. Ugh. This is bogus." At press time, the Messiah is kicking Himself for not planning His Second Coming somewhere in Taiwan, where COVID cases have remained almost non-existent for months.


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