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  • Writer's pictureAlexis McLaughlin

Area Woman Shocked to Discover Essential Service Workers Are Actually People

Updated: May 29

Shaking her head in disbelief, area woman Caren Westerson expressed her total shock at learning that essential service workers are, in fact, human beings.

“Well when did this happen?!” Westerson exclaimed, clutching a bag of hair care products that cost her nothing after 15 minutes of expired coupon scanning. “You mean, like, people-people? That can’t be right.”

Westerson, who was raised in an exceptionally wealthy household within an affluent community, was able to evade customer service work entirely before marrying a hedge fund manager 25 years ago. During this time, she insists that she had no idea the workers she’s berated at every pharmacy, cafe, restaurant, and supermarket she’s patronized were, much like her, humans with feelings requiring basic needs met to survive.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. The ones that are always ringing those bells at the Trader Joe’s? And those critters at Starbucks that remake my lattes every morning? Oh, my Lord.”

With some chagrin, the WASP-y mother of three then recalled an incident at her local Walgreens last week, in which Westerson, after being informed that they were out of her favorite Godiva truffles, began yelling “NO!” while spritzing the associate assisting her with a spray bottle.

“I was of the impression” she explained, “that they’re taught a few little phrases: ‘yes, ma’am,’ ‘thank you, ma’am,’ ‘sorry, ma’am,’ ‘have a nice day.’ That sort of thing. So then I heard a ‘no,’ and I’m just thinking, ‘oh, boy, he’s really acting out.’ I mean, where was his trainer in all of this?!”

Armed with this shocking new knowledge, Westerson vowed to do better by her sons Channer, Tanner, and Thanner, who she felt she’d led astray through demonstrations of poor decorum, outsized entitlement, and a lack of compassion for others.

“I mean, unless the clerk really screws something up.”

At press time, Westerson was astonished at the revalation that those in customer service are paid in money, rather than live fish tossed at them from a barrel.

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