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  • Writer's pictureAlexis McLaughlin

Afraid No More: 20 Reasons Why I'm Finally Coming Out As Conservative

Hi guys. I'm gonna keep this brief, because making this kind of announcement is scary enough as it is. But, I feel like I owe not just all of you, but also myself, a little bit of hard honesty. After taking a long look at the "tolerant" Left, I realized that somewhere along the line, I've outgrown my old beliefs--and, well, the more I examined the Right, the more it just felt...right. So, without further delay, here are just 20 of the most compelling reasons that I'm officially coming out--as conservative.

  1. Pink Gender

  2. I like the lady who wrote about Hagrid and the owl.

  3. Arielle Scarcella's seamless blending of soft-core and white identarianism

  4. Blue Gender

  5. Rush Limbaugh's alive, talking body was a load of fun to watch on Fox News.

  6. Personal Responsibility

  7. The one time I went to Planned Parenthood, I had to pay something.

  8. Nebraska

  9. David Koch has been under my command since I summoned him through the Necronomicon last summer. He has gifted me 1,000 miles of pipeline, and I am stronger than God Himself.

  10. The Middle-Class

  11. Candace Owens has not once criticized me for singing Biggie Smalls' "Juicy" with a hard-R.

  12. Charlie Kirk's incredible TED talk dismantling the myth that our value to others is defined by our facial size.

  13. Boots

  14. Straps

  15. I hate trophies and everything they stand for.

  16. I've been waiting my whole life to beat my children just the way my parents taught me. It's called "tradition," and it means something.

  17. I want teachers everywhere to be able to shout "Class Dismissed!" before unloading a clip into the next mass shooter that visits their school.

  18. I don't want increased funding for our schools.

  19. I want peace of mind from knowing that the right pissing genitals are in the neighboring stall.

  20. White Christian Ethnostate

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